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The Stool Pigeons/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show!" and now please help welcome the man that knows all about nuts and bolts because he's a bit of each himself, your host, your hero, my uncle, red gre-e-e-n! (applause) and this here is harold, my producer and director and nephew. Oh boy. I like to cut, wipe, dolly and zoom squeeze frame. Let's hope he's talking about television terms there. Kind of a quiet week up at the lodge this week. No, no way, it wasn't. There's lots to talk about, like, crime. And plenty of it too. We got thieves among us, uncle red, and bullies. Oh, harold, somebody steal your lunch again? Yes. And I know who it was too. Oh, I do, I do. It's buster hatfield's kid. What a punk. Buster hatfield's kid? You mean susie? Yeah, her. She's a punk. Not fair at all. Harold, you don't even know it's her. Just because your lunch is missing out of your locker doesn't mean susie took it. Well, I know it was her. I'm walking through the cafeteria, right... And just walking along, and I'm looking for... You know, somebody to let me sit with them. And, all of a sudden -- I got my lunch hanging in my hands, and she walks right up and grabs it and keeps on walking. What can you do? You can't hit her. No, no, no, no, harold, you don't ever hit anyone because they can hit you back, and you'd fold up like a deck chair. I know that. Person's got to do something, you know? 'cause it's each individual's responsibility to stop crime. That's why I'm going to tell the principal. Oh, yeah, get an all-points bulletin going there. What was in the lunch anyway? Three sardine sandwiches and a pomegranate. Well, you better tell the cops to treat her as armed and dangerous. ôôô got kind of an apocalyptic show for you this week. Got a little bit of fire there. That would be pestilence, I would think. And we have an assault with a friendly weapon, so stay tuned. An area like possum lake, where everybody knows everybody. You don't get a lot of adultery when everybody is your cousin. There's no justice. What? No justice. The system is completely breaking down. There's no protection of individual rights. Crime is running rampant. O-o-w! Okay, you know what happens? I go right into the principal's office to report my lunch theft. While I'm in there, someone steals my running shoes. It's probably susie. You need running shoes when the sardines kick in. Uncle red, you mock this, but this is just the tip of the iceberg, I'm telling you. You know what? In the big cities, right -- in the big cities, right -- the big cities, right, they've got, like, murders every time, and then there's, like, fires and arson and gang wars going on all over the place. It's just a matter of time before it's here in possum lake. Yeah, yeah. It's a pressure cooker out there, I'm telling you, and when it blows... Boom! Beans everywhere. I will not stand for it, uncle red, I will not. You know, harold, you should just kind of relax a little bit. This might just kind of be a hormone build-up that teenagers get when they don't date. Yeah? Boy, you've got a good memory. You know, the sad thing is your generation doesn't have a war where they can go off to a foreign country and blow off some steam. I'm telling you -- I am telling you, it starts with stealing lunches and stealing shoes, and then there's car stealing and the running numbers. Well, we're not going to take it anymore. We're starting a neighbourhood watch. Yeah -- yeah -- yeah -- yeah. And we're setting up a snitch line, so you can phone in, and you can snitch on people. Yup, we're going to March up and down the streets, making sure that law and order is preserved in our community. Who is this "we"? The "we." who is "we"? Me and tommy dougal. Yeah, you know tommy. He's got the bad skin and the motor scooter. Tommy. And chubby dickson, him too. The three of us. There's safety in numbers. Those are pretty odd numbers. Welcome to the possum lodge word game. And what's this week's grand prize? Well, if you've ever thought of owning your very own ford convertible mustang, well, then you probably have a lot of sales brochures, and now you can keep those sales brochures organized in these five free file folders. File folders made available by the home dezpot, your home and office supplier. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Dalton humphrey to say this word... Hand. Hand. Go. All right. Dalton, this is something you have two of... Okay, no, no, all right. Okay, okay, you go out for a walk with your wife, and you hold... My temper. Okay, okay, your wife is feeling affectionate. She reaches over and takes your... Wallet. All right, let's say your wife is planning a fancy dinner... K.F.C. Let's go another way. When somebody gets angry with somebody, they will hit him with a firm... Paternity suit. And you're running out of time, uncle red. Five fingers... Five angry drivers. Dalton, what's this? Liver spots. Come on. Hammer injury. Right. And why do I have a hammer injury? One hand doesn't know what the other one is doing. There you go. (frantic bell ringing) this week on handyman corner, I thought I'd show you how your kitchen can almost be as much fun as your workshop. You know, a lot of the famous chefs are men. You know, you see them on tv. You know that guy? Well, the fat guy. And that other fella... The loud one, the loud guy. And there's the drunk guy. Now, think of all the fat, loud, drunk guys you know. They could be chefs. And if you like the tools, well, they could double as kitchen utensils... Spatula, garlic press, electric food slicer, walnut crusher, bottle opener, stubborn bottle opener, meat skewers, meat tenderizer, and so on. If you're going to use the same tools in the kitchen as you do in the garage, you might want to clean them off first. You don't want food on your car. And if you like power tools, why not have power kitchen appliances? Look what I've done here. See what this is? This is my old beta max. Now, I didn't just throw it in the garbage or give it to my grandma, like most of you do. No, I hooked her up to the microwave. Why? Well, I'll show you. When I want to heat up, say, a bowl of my soup here, I just put her into the microwave, close her up, and I just press "play" for a few seconds. That should get her. A new kind of tv dinner I've got going here. That looks good, doesn't it? Maybe some of you like to have your soup even hotter than that. Put her back in, close her up, and hit the "fast forward" on that. You know, if you have food allergies, you might want to get a head cleaner tape in there. And that should get her. All right. Oh, why, that's hot! Well, no problem. We'll just leave it in there and just hit "rewind," cool her down a little bit. That should do it. Oh, all right, I may have cooled that a little too much. But you get the general idea. Tell you another beauty of this unit here. When you want to get the stuff out of the oven, you just hit the "eject" button. Soup's on, harold. Actually, soup is on harold. Okay, this brings me to the next thing for the handyman's kitchen. Your oven cleaner/freezer defroster. Now, what you need for that is a can of oven cleaner, roll of duct tape, a dirty oven and a frosty freezer. Okay, first thing, make sure they're all facing up. Okay, now what you want to do is put your oven cleaner into the freezer. That's right, into the freezer. That's what I said. You heard me right. Soak her real good. Now, what you want to do is to get your freezer up on top of your dirty oven. (grunting) who makes these things so darn heavy? Hey, this is a very important point, make sure that the door is open on the freezer and on the oven. Man... There we go. It kind of looks like they're mating, doesn't it? I guess that's where microwave ovens come from. All right. This is where the duct tape comes in. Have you ever seen duct tape this size? That's the relaxed fit. Okay, what you want to do is make this completely airtight here. You wanna have a perfect seal. That's why I put the oven cleaner inside the freezer. I didn't want to hurt the seal... I'll have the greenpeace people after me. Seal... Greenpeace... Who needs writers? A cautious handyman always uses ten times as much tape as he thinks is necessary. That's funny, eh? Sometimes you look at something, and you can't believe you built that with your own hands. Your parents will know what I'm talking about. All you have to do is turn the oven on high, and that's all there is to it, really. Now, the way the rig works is the heat of the oven goes up and melts the ice in the freezer, and then the melted ice -- or, water, as I like to call it -- mixes with the oven cleaner, and it just flows right down into the oven. Oh! Okay, duct tape -- okay, don't panic. Just stay calm there. Just get the duct tape on it. Usually I would say "if the women don't find you handsome, they should find at least find you handy," but this week I'm going to say, if you can't stand the kitchen, get out of the heat. I want to talk to you older types about modern art. Now, I know the artist is supposed to suffer for his art, but there's gotta be a limit here. I got dragged out to one of them modern art museums. I hung up my coat, and turns out the coat rack was actually a piece of art symbolizing man's dynamic symmetry. Now, I don't know how man's dynamic symmetry can be symbolized by a nail in a wall, but that apparently means I'm insensitive. They had this other thing, just blotches of paint on canvas. That was supposed to be art too. They had a big statue made out of bird droppings, and they had a picture of a can of soup. Like, how are we supposed to know if it's good art if we don't even know if it's art? Here's a simple rule I use... If I can do it, it's not art. Oh, yeah. (applause) see, I can finger paint, so that's not art. I can chant; I can stand still; I can sneeze into a piece of paper. None of that stuff is art. So I'm warning you modern artists out there... Either you stop doing stuff I can do, or I'll start doing stuff you can do. And then, believe me, everybody is going to suffer from my art. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Hello, possum snitch line. Do you want to snitch on someone? Ha, excellent. Excellent. All right, who? Who? I do not! No, I do not. No, no, no, my mom says I haven't done that since I was nine years old. Well, she would know. She does the laundry. Okay, and by the way, it's not a crime, it's a condition. Well, harold, I see your snitch line is bringing out the best in people. We got some calls. We got some calls. We got one from old lady bankman. Her cat has been missing... Since 1983. Moose thompson called. Someone stole his gremlin. Yeah, he said if anyone returns it, he'll have them arrested. Here's an interesting one. Flinty mcclintock called. Someone stole his toolbox. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Wow. You know, harold, I thought you were going to be walking the streets with this, not by the phone here, like jo-jo's sidekick alliance or something or other. Oh, yeah, we are. We are. We are. It's just that chubby's mom is still working on our crime fighting outfits, you know. I'm hoping they're going to use those big drapes in their front window. They're so cool. If she uses the drapes, then I can walk up and use our slogan and say, "it's curtains for criminals." I'll tell you what, don't say it out loud unless you're tired of those teeth. I was going to go over there now for a fitting, you know. Whilst I am on my way over, maybe I can return that toolbox to flinty for you. Oh, this? Oh, is this flinty's? You know, I think so. Oh. Yeah, you know, harold, thank you, harold. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. You should be ashamed of yourself. Well, I used to be, but since I had you as a nephew, nothing bothers me. Hello, flinty? Yeah, I think harold's got your toolbox. I heard that. Now, this is something that you can do on a Saturday, and I don't mean run over a guy you know. I mean, it's a little something you can do if you've got a vehicle, and this is something no one ever does anymore. It's rotating the tires and, you know, switching one for the other, and so on. Bill had a plan here: He's going to number all the tires. And, yeah, I think, you know, I think we understand. It ruins it, you know, when someone -- anyway. Okay, let's just get going. First thing you want to do is jack up the one wheel. And which wheel will this be? This will be wheel number -- don't explain it, bill. Bill, let's move on. What you want to do is number your tires, so you don't confuse -- bill, chalk is not going to work on a tire, all right? He's got another idea. What's he got there? Silly -- that's funny. Oh, no -- okay, no, you know what? It's not funny. I was wrong. It's not. What are you doing? All right, let's get rotating. Let's get a number. Mark that tire any way you can. Any number you want. Well, he's pretty good with that thing. Now, what you're looking for is a -- oh, boy. Holy smoke! Well, he must have incredible medical conditions. Well, he's got another one now. All right, so he's got all the nuts off there. All right, watch your foot. Bill, careful -- oh, this is a -- okay, this is what we call a time filler. We've got to get all these -- they're all over the place now. Who's going to find those? Why did I ask? Actually, I don't mind. Keep me farther away from bill and less chance of being injured. I wish I could say the same for the van. Try not to get revenge right away. Oh, wait a minute. No idea. No idea -- I have no -- I have no -- all right, so he's getting -- this is tire number three now. And just pull that right off. The rim is kind of -- pulled it right off. Pulled it right off the rim there, bill. Well, well, you're doing a good job. Oh, I was going to say we've got one more to go, and looks like you've got it. I'm not having the best time ever and I'm thinking, I really don't want to spend the rest of the day here. I think I'll head off to the railroad tracks. Chubby are out there ll, roaming the streets... Amateurs and immatures. I call them the three dorkateers. They got the uniforms and everything. It's pretty sad, I've got to tell you. You've got to see -- that's -- that's quite a look, harold. The bird head is a nice touch. I'm guessing that's the only chick you'll get close to. It's not just any bird either. It's a pigeon. We call our crime fighting squadron, "the stool pigeons." the stool pigeon, that's a medical term, isn't it, harold? It reminds people to phone the authorities in the event of a criminal act. Yeah, we're really reducing crime. I don't know, harold. I look at you, I want to commit one. Do you know why? Do you know why? Because you were brought up in a violent society, and you're going to have to learn to fight that. And that's what we do, we stool pigeons. We offer people a remedy for, you know, for changing things and getting out there and having a non-violent way of remedying and keeping peace in the society. Wow, harold, do you mind a little advice? Not at all. Unlike yourself, I embrace change. Good, go change. No, I can't because me and the other stool pigeons have got to patrol the streets. Yeah, we're going to swoop down from the skies and get a drop on crime. Don't get any droppings on your shoes. Welcome to the expert portion of the show. That part of the show that we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say, audience: "I don't know." way excellent! Okay, all right. Joining me and uncle red on the expert portion of the show this week is mr. Winston rothschild of the rotshchild sewage and septic sucking services. Where are motto is: "if your cup overflows, "I'll be there with my hose." okeydokey. Okay, this is our first letter. It's from edna kay, and it goes as follows... "dear experts: I want to go on a grand vacation. "should I travel across the sea or somewhere in north america?" all right, edna, I would say stay with north america because you want to be able to drive home. I'll tell you, get into your third week of czechoslovakian cheeseburgers, you're going to want to slide into the van and head west. Oh, no, I have gotta beg to differentiate with you, red. Europe is where you want to go. That's where all the history is. That's where she all began. Where what all began? Western civilization. Or, more specifically, sewage systems. Oh, yeah, you can still go see and visit the ancient roman sewage system. The famous 'cloaca maxima'. Oh, yeah, I'll tell you, when you're looking down a toilet drain that was built in 580 b.C., it's almost like you're looking up the back end of your family tree. Well, you know, maybe our viewer would like to go to europe to visit museums and castles and see the sites, you know, where the turning points of history actually occurred. Well, you know, if that's your thing, you know. But how does that compare with seeing the home of englishman sir john herrington, who in 1596 had the only water closet in the entire british empire? Well, I bet he had a lineup, huh? Well, edna, I advise you go to europe and go out and see things that aren't around here. Oh, for sure. Oh, France, you've got to go to France. Oh, yeah, you've got to see -- you've got to see the bathroom graffiti in versailles. Oh, yeah, that's where, in marie antoinette's own handwriting, it says, "let them eat cake, "but go easy on the bran muffins." you know, harold, sometimes your ideas border on a death wish. You know that, eh? No, no, those kids didn't mean any harm. They were just having fun. What were you stool pigeons doing up by the main highway anyhow? Well, we got this phone call that old man sedgewick was up there kicking stones at passing cars, so we went to check it out. What was that about? Old man sedgewick was up there kicking stones at passing cars. But then these tough guys came along and said they were going to beat us up, and chubby speaks right up and he says, "well, yeah, well you guys are just all talk." which we now know was a mistake to say. Yeah. Yeah. But then you know what happened then? Susie came by and she says, "you toughs, don't be hitting harold as hard as the others." I think she loves me. Love hurts, doesn't it, harold? Today, yes. But you know what's great? I think she just took my lunch to get my attention. She stole it to take my attention, and then she stole my heart. Oh, boy. Well, if she likes sardines, you might have a chance. (possum call) it's meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be down in a minute. Away you go. Take it easy for now. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. It looks like harold may have found a little bit of puppy love. And if it goes any farther than that, I'm going to tell you right now, I don't want any of the pups. The rest of you, thanks for watching. And on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice. (applause) performed by caption resource center harold: Here he comes. Take your seats. He's here. He's here. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Harold: Okay, we just have one announcement tonight. Actually, it's a warning. If you're boating at night, watch out for the water ski jump. No, seriously, because stinky peterson, he's going to be okay, but he's going to need help getting his boat off the church steeple. So any volunteers? You've got to go really fast...